Quick, a show of hands! Who likes getting booty on the regular? What? Everyone? Huh, I never would have thought that. Okay, that’s a lie. Everyone likes to get laid. It’s what we spend the majority of our time trying to make happen. If we’re not actively running from a homicidal maniac, or happen to be a homicidal maniac in the middle of a chase, we’re trying to get laid. Afterall, that’s what life is all about!
It’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The problems start to arise when we go too long without making it happen. No matter how many hours we have logged in at the bar or on hook up sites, if we aren’t getting any, our brains start to go all wonky. We start looking into things like women who paddle asses for money, or chicks who are willing to bang anyone as long as they have showered in the past month.
Things can get pretty nasty.
That’s why we need a steady stream of booty to keep us sane. Therefore, it’s become necessary for me to share my checklist with you. I’ve come to the rescue today and you’ll be glad that I did. Just keep reading to learn all you need to know.
7 Online Booty Call Essentials – Never Leave Home Without Them
This is the ultimate list of EDCs that I tote around with me, just on the off chance that a pussy might make itself available to me. If I happen to be going out for a night of mayhem, specifically trying to get a piece, then I’ll carry double the provisions. It’s always better to have it and not nee it, than need it and not have it. So, without further ado, this is the official booty call checklist.
You always need some good mints on you. The fresher, the better. The last thing that you want to do is start talking to some horned up chick, only to lean into her ear for a whisper and have her yank her head back. When she reacts like someone just slapped her in the face with a dead raccoon they found in a hobo’s forgotten lunch box, you’ve just lost out.
It doesn’t matter where you work; you stink at the end of the day. Do you work in construction? You stink. Do you work in an office with fifty other guys using the same restroom, and Steve from accounting microwaving fish again? You stink and Steve’s an asshole. Fuck Steve. Anyway, carry a change of underwear, socks, and a t-shirt. A quick change is always worth the carry weight.
Always carry cash. I realize that we all live in the future and this isn’t really necessary, anymore, but you’ll want it. Pulling out a wad of $20’s to pay a bar tab is a lot more impressive than whipping out your credit union card. I don’t care how sweet their cash back deals are. On top of that, you won’t have to make her wait for the card to get run. When she’s in go mode, you can be too.
Yes, I realize what I just said, but you still want the plastic, obviously. You’re not going to go around emptying out your “party time” checking account every weekend, are you? Take enough cash to through around, but keep the cards handy. Hell, if she understands finance, a sweet black card could do wonders to make her panties wet. I’ve actually used my AMEX platinum card on girls at Northeastern University and it’s worked wonders in the past.
Assuming that you don’t get catfished and you actually meet someone online, then this one should go without saying. Always have them on you. Don’t think that she’s going to walk around with a purse full of them so she can keep herself safe. If she needs to provide the equipment for your equipment, then you’ll look like an idiot. Don’t get the cheap ones, either, and you damned well better not get them out of the restroom vending machine. Splurge on what really matters and you’ll impress her.
Keep it charged. You’ll need it to get her number or text her when you get lost in a crowd. It’s essential. Don’t let it die under any circumstance. Carry around a portable charger if you really need to. I personally like to use the Mophie case which keeps my iPhone charged with an extra full battery.
It’s great to have on you, even if you can get it up just fine. This is for after your third or fourth go around when the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. It will help you cross the finish line one last time and make you think you’re some sort of sex god.
Anyway, there you have it. This is the booty call checklist. Keep it close to your heart and make sure that it’s always filled. It will be just what you need to make sure you don’t have to go down on someone who hasn’t had a bath since the New Year. Keep your head clear and your Johnson wet, and you’ll be a happier person for it. Hopefully, this will help you out and, as always, happy humping!